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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491021">By her side</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinious/pseuds/oswinious'>oswinious</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/F, mature language, post Revolution of the Daleks</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2021-01-02</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-01-03</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-18 04:23:20</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>2</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>4,149</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28491021</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/oswinious/pseuds/oswinious</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Once the boys are gone, the Doctor and Yaz are left with a multitude of things to say to each other.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>The Doctor/Yasmin Khan, Thirteenth Doctor/Yasmin Khan</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>100</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. The Doctor's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>HIYAAAA!! WE FINALLY SAW THE SPECIAL!!!!!!!<br/>We all wanna know what the Doctor and Yaz have to say to each other, because lord knows there are a more than a few unsaid things in RotD. Here is my take on it. Yaz's POV will follow eventually. :)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The TARDIS door closed shut behind Ryan and Graham for the last time, leaving the Doctor and Yaz alone to deal with the aftermath of a multitude of events that kept bouncing around the two women’s heads.</p><p>There were five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. There was no anger in the Doctor’s eyes, but she tried to bargain. It would be so easy to change the course of history and fly her ship back to the day her companions were left behind on that blue marble called Earth.</p><p>Changing the course of history to erase their pain; she would do it in a heartbeat. How could she not?</p><p>But the woman next to her allowed her to switch to the next stage.</p><p>“It’s okay to be sad.”</p><p>Of course, it was. Beautiful things came out of pain. It wasn’t a given, but it was worth hoping for.</p><p>Hope. A word the Doctor had preached everywhere she went for so long. It felt empty and meaningless, now. Not because she didn’t believe in it, but because she had seen the effect of shattered hopes and broken dreams on her closest friends. They didn’t deserve it. The silver lining of it all, if she was honest with herself, was the fact that both Ryan and Graham had managed to grow from all the pain they had been through in the many months they had been separated.</p><p>Something beautiful coming out of pain.</p><p>But then, she dared to take a look at Yaz. Beautiful, wise Yaz. Wiser, it seemed. She looked tired and broken, and it broke the Doctor’s hearts a little more. Her happy heart was getting invaded by sadness, now. She wanted to show more of the Universe to Yaz, but the younger woman could barely look at her, and when she did, her eyes were clouded by something the Doctor couldn’t put her finger on. It was on the tip of her tongue, out of reach, hiding in plain sight.</p><p>“I’ll go and get some rest,” Yaz muttered before turning on her heels and walking away to a room she thought she’d never see again.</p><p>The Doctor barely had the time to register the information before Yaz was already out of sight. She wanted to run after her, but she advised herself otherwise; her friend definitely needed some space.</p><p>The TARDIS hummed quietly. They were in the time vortex, just as the Doctor asked. She didn’t want to throw Yaz into yet another adventure without making sure that she was okay. It was okay to be sad, but it was also fine to stay put and not run away from those emotions. Sitting on the geometrical stairs by the console, the Doctor allowed her mind to drift away, somewhere between anger and depression.</p><p>Depression was obvious. Two members of her fam had outgrown her and the Universe, but she hadn’t. But the anger was a lot more subtle. It wasn’t a fiery rage fueled by hate, but something born out of incomprehension and adoration, if such a combination could even exist.</p><p>She couldn’t grasp the reason why Yaz would want to stay, and it was slowly driving her mad. Surely, ten months away from the Doctor and the TARDIS would have changed her as well. Knowing her Yaz, she probably had finished her probation and was on her way up the ladder to become a sergeant.</p><p>The boys had found themselves back on Earth; they had found purpose. How come Yaz hadn’t?</p><p>Her head fell in her hands, and she let out a long, deep sigh.</p><p>“Why didn’t you make sure you were coming back at the right time?”</p><p>The Doctor looked up. She saw Yaz, on the other side of the console room, staring at her with anger. Anger tainted with whatever the Doctor couldn’t name.</p><p>“Yaz, I—”</p><p>“I’m not done, Doctor,” Yaz snapped.</p><p>The younger woman made a few steps in the Doctor’s direction, brushing her hands on one of the amber pillars.</p><p>“How couldn’t you make sure you were coming back at the right moment in space and time? You <em>never </em>end up where you’re meant to be. You do realize that, don’t you? Imagine if you had managed to fuck up even harder and gotten here in, what, fifty years’ time?”</p><p>The Doctor had never seen Yaz so angry before, especially not at her. It felt worse than that shove Yaz had given her when she came back. It was so out of character… Was that what she had done to Yaz?</p><p>“Can you imagine coming back to Sheffield, and you have to stand on our graves because you can’t even fly your stupid ship? What, then? What would you have done?”</p><p>The TARDIS beeped in frustration, getting a snicker from Yaz.</p><p>The Doctor’s eyes were filled with tears threatening to cascade down her cheeks, but she held onto them. Yaz deserved to be listened to, even though she only had access to half of the story she was telling.</p><p>“Doctor, answer me,” Yaz said.</p><p>“I would’ve hated myself a lot more than I do now.”</p><p>The Doctor got up from her seat, slowly moving towards the console. She found comfort in the way her hands travelled on the controls, barely brushing the surface.</p><p>“Then, I would’ve travelled back to that day. But I wouldn’t have been able to approach you guys. Can’t change your future. You guys all deserve to live long, after all. And I,” the Doctor looked into Yaz’s brown eyes, “I can’t take that away from you. <em>Couldn’t</em>. It’s risky, travelling with me, and you know that. But knowing you guys lived long and happy lives without me? That would be the only thing stopping me from flying straight back inside Graham’s house and taking you all away with me,” she dared a smile.</p><p>“Who says we would’ve been happy?”</p><p>The Doctor frowned at those words.</p><p>“There’s more to life than travelling with me, you guys would’ve figured it out. Or have figured it out, anyway,” she looked down, her mind drifting to the boys.</p><p>“Is there, though?”</p><p>The Doctor’s head shot back up, and Yaz was suddenly closer. She felt so far away, though.  Light years away.</p><p>“Don’t try to undermine what we’ve been through, Doctor. Waiting for you here, wondering if you were alive,” Yaz said, eyes stern. “I looked out for you, you know? Tried to figure out a way to bring you back. I wanted to be the one to save you, for once.”</p><p>“I never asked you to try to save me, Yaz,” the Doctor snapped back.</p><p>She was surprised at her own tone. Part of her didn’t want to be so harsh on Yaz, who had clearly been through a lot, but she also needed Yaz to understand that there was more to it than meets the eye.</p><p>“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t gonna try,” Yaz challenged.  “But then, you came back as if nothing happened. Carelessly, foolishly.”</p><p>“You think coming back was careless and foolish? I was in jail for nineteen years, Yaz,” the Doctor said, irritation getting stronger. “Nineteen lonely years, thinking about you guys every time I opened my eyes. You were worried, I get that. But you were <em>safe</em>. That was the last gift I was able to give you. All of you.”</p><p>“Where is the safety in not knowing whether you’re alive or not?”</p><p>The Doctor could see it, now, that thing in Yaz’s eyes she couldn’t put her finger on. That emotion that could build worlds and destroy them all at once.</p><p>Love.</p><p>“Yaz—”</p><p>“Where?” The younger woman screamed, tears falling down her cheeks.</p><p>The Doctor tentatively took a step in Yaz’s direction, but the younger woman moved back swiftly.</p><p>“For ten months I slept in that TARDIS. That cold, useless TARDIS,” Yaz sobbed.</p><p>“Yaz,” the Doctor sighed.</p><p>“That stupid thing never once hummed or beeped at me. It didn’t even wheeze at the absurdity of what I was doing.”</p><p>She wanted to reach out to Yaz, but the Doctor knew she would’ve retreated to her room immediately if she did.</p><p>“I tried to get it to use your DNA to fly back to you. But it’s not smart. It doesn’t have a heart like this one,” Yaz said, her eyes wandering around the ship, who hummed at her compliment. There was no hard feeling between the two of them, it seemed. “I wanted to save you,” Yaz added, her voice shaking through her tears.</p><p>The Doctor couldn’t help but smile at Yaz’s efforts. She cared so much. The boys had moved on because they had each other to rely on, a family.</p><p>Yaz had her family back in Sheffield, but it wasn’t enough. It wasn’t enough because there was also a TARDIS in the northern city; she had never moved on from the Doctor because she had never walked away from her. She hadn’t been able to let her go, the Doctor’s words going unheard on Gallifrey.</p><p>Yaz had tried to be the pilot that TARDIS needed so hard; brilliant, beautiful Yaz, always trying her best to right the world’s wrongs. She had chosen the Doctor over her own family. She had decided to fight for their friendship, their chosen family. She was staying, not because she hadn’t found her place on Earth, but because she had found it somewhere else.</p><p>By the Doctor’s side.</p><p>“Yaz, can I come closer?”</p><p>Yaz tried to give her a stern look, but she crumbled under the weight of her tears, her shoulders slouching. She looked at her feet, nodding almost imperceptibly.</p><p>The Doctor walked slowly, always watching out for a sign that Yaz didn’t want her to come any closer; a sign that never came.</p><p>She dared to move her hand towards Yaz – the one person she wanted to hold in her arms. The younger woman looked up, and the Doctor froze there for an instant. Yaz’s anger had left her eyes, and there was no sign of denial of the Doctor’s presence. The older woman took it as a sign of approval, and squeezed Yaz’s hand in hers.</p><p>“I’m sorry I made you feel like this,” the Doctor sighed.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry,” Yaz said sheepishly. “I reacted like a spoiled child.”</p><p>“We’re both hurt, I believe. Good thing I’m a Doctor, isn’t it?”</p><p>When Yaz looked up from the ground her eyes were so focused on, the Doctor grinned, nose scrunching.</p><p>“And I think I know the perfect remedy for our sickness,” the Doctor added.</p><p>She guided Yaz’s hand on her hearts – two sad hearts who were going to find happiness again. Her free hand fell on the back of Yaz’s neck.</p><p>She could feel Yaz’s gaze diving into hers; they held the certainty of past wounds, but also the hope of what the future may bring.</p><p>It was hard to tell which one of them had closed the distance, but it didn’t matter. They had chosen each other, and their first kiss held the key to a whole unexplored universe waiting for them.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Yaz's POV</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Here we go, Yaz's POV! Hope you enjoy this :)</p></blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>If she had to admit it, Yaz was far from surprised that the boys’ adventure was coming to an end. It made sense, really; they had both moved on fairly quickly of their lives onboard the TARDIS, and had accepted the Doctor’s disappearance almost instantly. They had focused on helping Ravio, Yedlarmi, and Ethan settling in on contemporary Earth, leaving Yaz alone to untangle the mess that was figuring out a way to find the Doctor.</p><p>She couldn’t blame them for it. Yaz was very aware of the fact she had completely abandoned her life on Earth the minute they had first set foot inside the TARDIS. She had found comfort in the ship’s hums, its liveliness. She had found peace in those infinite corridors, and the sound of the Doctor’s repairs during their short breaks between adventures. The boys, on the other side, had found peace in their own relationship; it had been a troubled one at the start of their travels, but they both had grown so much in the past few years.</p><p>And so, Yaz had always been a little different than the rest of the fam. Not excluded but, to some extent, a black sheep of sort. She was closer to the Doctor than the boys were, that was for sure. But that connection the boys shared, she couldn’t exactly have that with the Doctor.</p><p>First, because she was human; as much as she wanted to share experiences with the Doctor, they both saw the Universe very differently, in part because of their past. A past that couldn’t be more different. When the boys would chat away about their last adventure during their calm moments, Yaz would simply watch the Doctor work as the other woman explained to her what was <em>so</em> important about one thing or another. She always loved to spend her down time with the Doctor; it felt like going on a whole other trip inside the other woman’s past. She had seen and lived so much, and such a life tainted their relationship, and the Doctor’s bright colours couldn’t always fully cover the darkness she had seen.</p><p>Second, because she was in love with her. Yaz had stopped denying it back at Villa Diodati. Her person, <em>her</em> Doctor. And when her person sent them back to Earth, it broke Yaz’s heart that she hadn’t been able to tell her what she felt. Because <em>what if her words had saved her?</em></p><p>She had no choice but to at least try and find her; she owed it to the Doctor. She had been too much of a coward to tell her how she felt, but she wouldn’t fail her twice.</p><p>When she heard the woman by her side consider going back on their timeline to change their story, Yaz cursed herself and the Doctor all at once. The damage was done, and it would be no good to break the Universe over this. Everything must come to an end.</p><p>“It’s okay to be sad.”</p><p>That’s something she had learnt the hard way in her very short life – short compared to the Doctor, at least. Her time in the Sheffield TARDIS had been an awful reminder of it. Nothing quite compared to the feeling of getting abandoned by the woman you loved, and doubting your place in this life you had to fall back into. It was not about feeling out of place, it was about Yaz being fully aware she was in the wrong place and that she had no idea how to make it back to where she truly belonged: by the Doctor’s side.</p><p>“I’ll go and get some rest,” Yaz muttered, running to her room without a look back in the Doctor’s direction.</p><p>It had been ten months, but she knew the way to her room by muscle memory. Its warmth greeted her, yet she couldn’t find comfort inside those four walls. Something had been bothering her ever since the TARDIS had reappeared miraculously in the middle of Graham’s sitting room.</p><p>How on Earth did it take so long for the Doctor to come back if she had access to the TARDIS? She had a time machine. A <em>fucking</em> time machine. She couldn’t understand how the Doctor had just shown up, happy and carefree, and hadn’t realized she was late.</p><p>That question haunted her. It kept reappearing in her mind like an unneeded earworm.</p><p>“Fuck it,” she muttered, walking back to the console room.</p><p>When she reached the entrance, her steps came to a halt. The Doctor was sitting on the stairs, holding her head in her hands. She looked helpless.</p><p>She looked guilty.</p><p>“Why didn’t you make sure you were coming back at the right time?”</p><p>Her voice had sounded a lot more irritated than she meant it, but it reflected how she felt: angry, disappointed and, most of all, bruised.</p><p>“Yaz, I –”</p><p>“I’m not done, Doctor,” Yaz snapped. “How couldn’t you make sure you were coming back at the right moment in space and time? You <em>never </em>end up where you’re meant to be. You do realize that, don’t you? Imagine if you had managed to fuck up even harder and gotten here in, what, fifty years’ time? Can you imagine coming back to Sheffield, and you have to stand on our graves because you can’t even fly your stupid ship? What, then? What would you have done?”</p><p>The TARDIS beeped with frustration. She didn’t enjoy being called stupid, it seemed. Yaz snickered at the ship’s reaction.</p><p>“<em>Of course, you’re offended</em>,” she thought. “<em>It’s not like it’s your fault, anyway</em>.”</p><p>Yaz’s eyes met the Doctor’s. She looked like she was about to cry, and it didn’t bring any satisfaction to the young woman. It broke her even more, if anything.</p><p>“Doctor, answer me,” Yaz said.</p><p>“I would’ve hated myself a lot more than I do now.”</p><p>Yaz watched her get up from her seat, hoping she wouldn’t dare to enter her personal space. The Doctor stood by her console, touching the controls and avoiding Yaz’s stare.</p><p>“Then, I would’ve travelled back to that day. But I wouldn’t have been able to approach you guys. Can’t change your future. You guys all deserve to live long, after all.”</p><p>The boys did, Yaz knew that. But how could the Doctor even pretend Yaz deserved to live a long life, if it meant spending it without her? The mere idea felt like torture.</p><p>“And I—,” the Doctor stopped herself mid sentence to finally look into Yaz’s eyes again, searching for comfort she couldn’t find. “I can’t take that away from you. <em>Couldn’t</em>. It’s risky, travelling with me, and you know that. But knowing you guys lived long and happy lives without me? That would be the only thing stopping me from flying straight back inside Graham’s house and taking you all away with me.”</p><p>The Doctor smiled, and it felt like a punch in the guts.</p><p>“Who says we would’ve been happy?”</p><p>“<em>Who says I would’ve been happy?</em>” Yaz asked herself.</p><p>“There’s more to life than travelling with me, you guys would’ve figured it out. Or have figured it out, anyway,” the Doctor frowned before looking down.</p><p>It felt like the Doctor was doing this on purpose. Every single word she dared to utter were direct attacks on Yaz’s identity, on her purpose in life. Yaz decided to take a few steps in the Doctor’s direction, ready to confront her once and for all. After that, If she had to walk away, figure out a life to live in Sheffield, then so be it. If the one person she wanted to travel with didn’t understand Yaz’s longing for it, for <em>her</em>, then what was even the point?</p><p>“Is there, though?”</p><p>The Doctor’s head shot back up, and she took a moment to get accustomed to Yaz’s proximity.</p><p>“Don’t try to undermine what we’ve been through, Doctor,” Yaz added. “Waiting for you here, wondering if you were alive… I looked out for you, you know? Tried to figure out a way to bring you back. I wanted to be the one to save you, for once.”</p><p>The Doctor had seen the inside of the other TARDIS, but it felt like she hadn’t noticed. Or maybe she was avoiding it altogether.</p><p>“I never asked you to try to save me, Yaz,” the Doctor snapped back.</p><p>Yaz couldn’t believe it. All these months she’d spent mapping that other TARDIS, trying to find someone on Earth who would know the Doctor, someone who could help her fly that thing… It was all a waste of time if the Doctor couldn’t appreciate it.</p><p>“Doesn’t mean I wasn’t gonna try. But then, you came back as if nothing happened. Carelessly, foolishly,” Yaz said, somewhere between a challenge and a direct attack.</p><p>“You think coming back was careless and foolish? I was in jail for nineteen years, Yaz. Nineteen lonely years, thinking about you guys every time I opened my eyes. You were worried, I get that. But you were <em>safe</em>. That was the last gift I was able to give you. All of you.”</p><p>If she hadn’t been fighting back tears for so long, Yaz thought she would’ve laughed to the Doctor’s face. Safety had no meaning because the only safety she found were in the Doctor’s hazel eyes. It had no meaning to be safe if the reason her life had some sort of meaning wasn’t with her.</p><p>“Where is the safety in not knowing whether you’re alive or not?”</p><p>“Yaz—”</p><p>She couldn’t take it anymore. It was all too much; too much pain, too much disappointment, too much self-control. Yaz’s tears, tears she had been trying to control for almost a year, now, started falling down.</p><p>“Where?” She screamed.</p><p>The Doctor tried to get closer, but Yaz took a step back. She couldn’t bear it, not now.</p><p>“For ten months I slept in that TARDIS. That cold, useless TARDIS,” Yaz sobbed.</p><p>“Yaz.”</p><p>The Doctor’s voice sounded pitiful, and she hate that tone as much as she loved the person saying these words. She decided to keep telling her story; the story of all those efforts, the sleepless nights she spent inside that ship, trying to put together a puzzle she had no idea what was meant to look like.</p><p>“That stupid thing never once hummed or beeped at me. It didn’t even wheeze at the absurdity of what I was doing. I tried to get it to use your DNA to fly back to you. But it’s not smart. It doesn’t have a heart like this one.”</p><p>The TARDIS hummed, now happy with the words Yaz used to describe her. Somehow, that ship had better communication skills than her pilot. Her incredible, wonderful pilot.</p><p>“I wanted to save you,” Yaz continued through her tears.</p><p>The Doctor smiled at her, and Yaz could sense the pride in her eyes. The young woman had yet to confess her feelings, but the Doctor could finally understand the extent of her own place inside Yaz’s heart.</p><p>Maybe she would finally see why Yaz needed her by her side.</p><p>“Yaz, can I come closer?”</p><p>Yaz tried to give her a stern look, but she crumbled under the weight of her tears, her shoulders slouching. She looked at her feet, nodding almost imperceptibly. She could see the Doctor’s feet getting closer, but she made no move to walk away. It was okay, now. It wasn’t perfect, but after so long, Yaz thought the both of them deserved the hug Yaz knew she had longed for ever since she had met that incredible woman.</p><p>When she saw the Doctor’s hand in her peripheral vision, Yaz looked up. Brown met hazel and, for the first time in so long, there were no unsaid things between them, no secrets pushing them away from each other.</p><p>She felt the Doctor’s hand taking hold of hers, squeezing it lightly, as if she was trying to remind Yaz that she was there, that she wasn’t disappearing again.</p><p>“I’m sorry I made you feel like this,” the Doctor said quietly.</p><p>“You don’t have to apologize. I’m sorry. I reacted like a spoiled child,” she down in shame.</p><p>She <em>had</em> reacted like a spoiled child, and she could see it now. Nineteen years away from her ship, from her fam… And her first instinct had been to push her away, because she couldn’t see past her own pain. Both their wounds were equally great, they simply nursed them differently.</p><p>“We’re both hurt, I believe. Good thing I’m a Doctor, isn’t it?”</p><p>Yaz looked up and was greeted by the Doctor’s nose scrunch, her favourite sight in the whole Universe.</p><p>“And I think I know the perfect remedy for our sickness,” the Doctor added.</p><p>The Doctor guided Yaz’s hand to her hearts. She could feel them beating quickly, much like her own. With her free hand, the Doctor graced the nape of Yaz’s neck with cold touches.</p><p>She was drowning in the Doctor’s eyes, hazel filling every corner of her mind. In them, Yaz saw fear and love, sadness and happiness, as if the Doctor felt everything all at once.</p><p>But that was who she was. The Doctor felt <em>so much, all the time</em>. It was a curse, but there was beauty in there, too. And with a bit of luck, maybe she would let Yaz share some of the weight of that cursed beauty from time to time.</p><p>Yaz didn’t know which one of them had sealed their destiny for good, but she couldn’t care less. She hadn’t been the one to save the Doctor from her space prison but, with this kiss, it meant only one thing: the Doctor had accepted the fact Yaz was going to save her a little every day, for as long as she lived.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>Can I just say... I sure hope they do end up having that very much needed conversation in s13. It's going to be a wild ride for suuuuuuuuuuuure.<br/>Thanks to the TCC for your support, as always! You guys are the absolute best! And thanks to everyone who left comments and kudos yesterday, I truly appreciate it xx</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed this lil thing xx</p></blockquote></div></div>
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